Making A Baby Is Like Making A Soufflé
By Lori Butler
Many of my early childhood memories are of preparing family meals in the kitchen. I remember the excitement of donning an apron, and opening the big spiral-bound cookbook with my mother. Anticipation, and an atmosphere of togetherness, filled the air as we followed the directions, and measured the ingredients.
One of my mother’s favorite expressions was “a watched pot never boils.” I could not, however, fully comprehend the meaning of this mantra until I craved a “bun in my own oven”.
When I found myself challenged by infertility in my late 30’s, I was seeking the fastest way to motherhood. Forget the oven, bring on the microwave! Most recipes have more than one cooking method, right?
As I progressed on my fertility journey, I learned that making a baby is like making a soufflé. It’s not as easy as beating eggs, tossing in cheese, and pouring the mixture in a pie shell, like making quiche. Creating a new life takes preparation, precision, and the key ingredient: PATIENCE.
What I learned on my quest to conceive, echoed the life lesson that my mother was attempting to teach me as a child. I readjusted my focus, and waited longer than I had hoped, but I did eventually get pregnant and give birth to a beautiful baby boy.
Perhaps that’s what my fertility journey gave me, a taste of homemade patience. I know that embracing this gift makes me a better mother, and for that, I am forever grateful.
Dog Days of Summer
Once you have experienced summer in the Midwest, you’ve heard about the “Dog Days” of summer. In other words – the days that are the most hot, the most humid, the most miserable days from July through the end of August. Not every day is like that, but after a couple of days on 90+ temperatures and you start to feel like you’re melting. Is it fall yet?
If you’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than a couple of months, your fertility journey may be going through its own “dog days.” You know – the season where nothing seems to be going right or progressing in any hopeful or helpful way. You just feel bothered, annoyed, frustrated and simply – stuck.
Ironically, the dog days of summer were named for the brightest star - Sirius the Dog Star. The term dates back to the time of the ancient Egyptians where it was believed that the appearance of Sirius in the sky brought fertility to the Nile region.
Could the dog days of summer bring fertility to your life? It could happen, and when you’re feeling stuck, it can be a powerful motivator to evaluate your choices and the elements in your control to boost your fertility power.
Stuck for ideas?
- Laugh. Go see a silly movie or goof off with friends. Laughter stimulates beta-endorphins, the feel-good chemicals and it creates a relaxation response.
- Move – but not too much. Women who work out four or more hours per week have less successful IVF cycles. So give yourself a break.
- Try a new ice cream flavor. Garlic, lavender, maple bacon and butter popcorn are just a few of the new ice cream varieties to hit the streets this summer. One serving of a high fat dairy product per day boosted fertility, according to a Harvard study.
- Make love. Sometimes baby-making sex can get tiresome. Carve some time out for intimacy as a couple, focusing on your relationship.
- Get outside. Sunlight appears to help regulate fertility and Vitamin D is good for you. Play it safe and wear sunscreen, but a healthy dose will do wonders for your body and mind. Vitamin D is especially good for women with PCOS.
What does age have to do with it?
“I swear, if one more person asked me about my biological clock, I was going to scream. I know how old I am. I know how old my partner is. What I didn’t know was what my age meant in terms of my fertility. Am I too old to have a baby?”
If you’re considering having a child and you’re over 30, it’s likely that someone has brought up your age – at least once.
While we may know that we are most fertile in our late teens and twenties, many people aren’t ready to have children then. There’s college, starting a career, finding the right partner, and all of a sudden, we start wondering if maybe while we were waiting for the right time, if we waited too long.
Age does play a role in fertility. But what you may not know is that you aren’t doomed if you’re over 30 – in fact, one if five women have a baby after the age of 30. Plus, your clock isn’t the only one ticking. Paternal age plays a role in fertility and having a healthy baby, too. So what do you need to know about age and baby-making?
First of all, fertility does decrease in women beginning at age 30, but the drop is a small one. The decrease tends to affect women closer to 37 to 38 years of age, and especially into her 40s. However, that does not mean that a woman of this age cannot get pregnant. What it does mean is that if you’re over 35 and you are having difficulty conceiving, you’ll want to access fertility treatment sooner rather than later. About half of women over 40 need to see a fertility specialist and a third of women between 35 and 39 do too.
The older mom and dad get, the risks are also raised for having complications in pregnancy and delivery or congenital abnormalities in the baby. If you are concerned about specific issues, you may want to meet with a genetic counselor who can explain your specific risks.
Questions? Talk to your doctor about the best way to modify your lifestyle so you can be as healthy as possible. Reducing stress and exposure to toxins, being at a healthy weight, and exercising can all help you to be in great shape to build your family.
The Results are in: IVF Babies as Healthy as Others
When you build your family using IVF, one of the things you may worry about is whether or not your baby will have any problems as a result of his or her unique way of entering the world. For a long time, there haven’t been significant long-term results indicating just how well IVF babies did.
New studies are emerging and results are encouraging. IVF babies are just as likely as traditionally conceived babies to be healthy both short term and long term and can themselves become parents. Many parents were relieved when the world’s first baby born via IVF, Louise Brown, of England, had her own naturally conceived child not long ago.
Babies born by in vitro fertilization (IVF) do not face an increased risk of birth defects, nor are they at greater risk of being smaller than normal, according to a study conducted in Japan.
In a study conducted by Eastern Virginia Medical School's Jones Institute of Reproductive Medicine, which produced the first U.S. IVF baby in 1981, did a long term study of 173 children were who conceived via IVF and have now reached adulthood. The results? Compared with other young adults in that age group, adults who were conceived through IVF were "healthy and well-adjusted with no prevalence of increased susceptibility to chronic diseases," such as cancer or heart disease, according to a paper published online by the journal Fertility and Sterility.
One factor to keep in mind is that if mom or dad are older, smoke or are frequently exposed to environmental toxins, then the chance of birth defects or other problems will rise, regardless of how baby joins a family. Higher older multiple births also increase the possibility of having problems. This means parents have an important role in protecting their future baby’s health.
A few things you can do to this summer to increase your overall health and well-being:
*Get regular exercise – take a walk or go for a swim
*Stay well-hydrated when you’re outside
*Steer clear of second-hand smoke
*Play with friends and family – Frisbee, card games, or even silly word games. Laughter is good for you!
*Relaxing is just as important – make time for music, reading and chillin’ in the summertime.
Super Summer Nutrition
One of the great things about summer is the fresh produce you can find at your local grocery store or farmer’s market. Fresh veggies taste good, they are full of vitamins and minerals, and they make you feel better, knowing you doing everything you can to eat healthfully and prepare your body for a successful pregnancy.
When you’re trying to conceive, aim for seven servings of vegetables and fruits, two of those should be rich in folic acid. Folic acid rich foods include spinach, broccoli, orange juice, and lentils. Plus, make sure at least one of your fruits or vegetable servings is high in vitamin C, including oranges, papaya, kiwi, or cantaloupe.
Some veggies you don’t want to miss:
Avocados are at their peak in the summer and are also an excellent source of potassium, folate and vitamins C and B6, and are a good source of thiamin, riboflavin, niacin and magnesium. Plus, they contain a compound to help with healthy carotenoid absorption from vegetables, which makes them perfect for missing in a salad or added to store-bought salsa. Perfect avocados have an unblemished and uniform skin that has a little give when gently pressed.
Zucchinis are inexpensive, easy to find, and they are an excellent source of vitamin C and manganese. Plus, they are a good source of dietary fiber, magnesium, vitamin A, potassium, copper, folate, phosphorus, omega-3 fatty acids, and several B vitamins. Look for zucchini that are about the size of a cucumber, and serve them grated on a salad, sandwich or in pasta sauce.
Beets are becoming popular foodie circles and for good reason. Beets contain significant amounts of vitamin C. These aren’t your grandmother’s beats, cooked until they are nothing but a purple mush, Instead, fresh beets are great steamed and served thinly sliced in a cool summer salad.
Not sure what to do with your summer veggies and you can’t eat another salad? Add them to your grill. If they are small, like green beans, wrap them in aluminum foil, drizzle with a good quality olive oil and cook 8 – 10 minutes per side. For other veggies like zucchini, tomatoes, or eggplant, slice into ½ inch rounds, skewer them, drizzle with olive oil and grill 6-9 minutes per side.
Bumps Ahead: When baby-making is relationship straining
“ You have absolutely no idea what I'm going through,” insisted Sarah to Brett, her husband of nine years. “ Your entire life doesn't focus around trying to get pregnant – you can get up in the morning without having to pee on a stick or obsess over every twinge and think, ‘It might be it this time.' I'm the one missing work, taking medicine that makes me feel like I'm crazy and your big job in all this in being a sperm donor! Poor you. ” With that, she stormed out of the room, leaving Brett feeling hurt and angry. When a couple has difficulty getting pregnant, it isn't easy. There's no “fair” way to split the burden. “Infertility is very difficult on couples,” explains Dr. Tarun Jain, a reproductive endocrinologist with Chicago IVF. “It often involves painful tests, long waits and uncertain results. I think the effect of stress on our physiology is truly underestimated and couples need to be intentional in taking steps to protect their relationship.” Difficulty getting pregnant can affect couples in several different ways:
If you find your relationship is starting to show a little wear and tear from your baby-making blues, consider making some of these changes: Find a Referee Not to duke it out, but to be an outsider who can help you both sort out your thoughts, feelings and goals. Sometimes having someone to listen to can improve your emotional well-being, minimize your stress levels, and help you better understand your partner's perspective. Ask your health care provider for a reference for a mental health professional who specializes in treating couples experiencing difficulty conceiving. Different isn't Bad It doesn't take a psychologist to know that men and women are wired differently. The way you respond to the stress and rigors of baby-making will probably be very different from how your partner responds. That doesn't mean either one of you are “right” or “wrong.” It means you're different, which is part of what attracted you to one another in the first place. Accepting that you will each be in different places emotionally at different times is one way to stay healthy. Give Him the Silent Treatment Every once in a while, you two need to take a break from talking about babies and baby-making. Plan some non-infertility dates where all things related to fertility are off-limits. No talking about semen, ovulation, menstrual cycles or babies. You two have lots of other topics to talk about, you just might be out of practice. Take a Procreation Vacation You remember your honeymoon, right? Wherever you were, it was a little slice of heaven because you were together. See if you can find room in your budget for a getaway – even if it's just for the weekend. Timing it around ovulation might not be handy if you're going through a medicated cycle, but plan it so the two of you can connect and remember why exactly you thought growing your family was such a good idea in the first place. Some vacation hotspots even cater to trying to conceive couples and offer special packages like the Birds and the Bees package at the Five Gables Inn & Spa on Maryland's Chesapeake Bay includes a two-night stay with a couple's massage, oysters (purported to be an aphrodisiac) and wine, a pair of heart-print boxer shorts and a CD from love crooner Barry White. For the more adventurous, the Westin at Lucaya Grand Bahama Island offers a procreation package complete with Caribbean fertility concoctions. The Good News In a recent study conducted by the national nonprofit organization Healthy Woman, the majority of couples have a relationship that comes out stronger following an infertility struggle. In fact, ninety percent of women are still with the same partner they were with when they went through infertility treatment. Those that separated said the treatments were not a major reason for the breakup. There are ways to protect your relationship and to keep yours happy, healthy and going strong - however you build your family! |
Eating to Conceive
Is it possible to get pregnant while consuming a steady diet of Big Macs and chocolate milkshakes? Sure, but a poor diet doesn't make getting pregnant any easier. (Plus, eating lots of junk food makes you feel lethargic and bloated – and you know that doesn't feel healthy or sexy). Research continues to prove that certain foods do in fact improve reproductive function.
While enhancing your chances of conceiving, the bigger picture of living a fertile life is important including learning lifestyle, exercise and food choices that are fertility promoting.
Fertility Boosting Foods
The top foods to add to your diet (and his) are these:
- Water -Filtered and natural spring water are the safest and staying hydrates is important for optimal health and proper reproductive functions.
- Spinach - Leafy green vegetables are important to include in your diet as much as possible. They are rich in antioxidants, and full of folic acid which is important both for preventing birth defects and a critical ingredient for producing viable eggs.
- Yellow and Orange Vegetables – Orange and yellow vegetables are a good course of beta carotene, an antioxidant, shown to maintain hormonal balance and ward off miscarriage.
- Broccoli and Cabbage - Broccoli and cabbage are cruciferous vegetables that contain a phytonutrient called DIM. DIM helps with estrogen metabolism and are thought to prevent fibroids and endometriosis in women.
- Carrots, peas and sweet potatoes - Containing beta-carotene, these veggies will help regulate a menstrual cycle, thus improving chances for conception.
- Strawberries, blueberries, oranges, papaya, kiwi and cantaloupe – Besides antioxidants, these fruits are full of vitamin C, which is also proven to provide benefits to men and women trying to conceive.
- Meat, chicken, fish, eggs and dairy products - These are all sources of protein, and amino acids are critical for viable egg production. Amino acids are also valuable for making the hormones LH and FSH. Keep in mind, too, that women who get less of their protein from animals than from plants are thought to have fewer ovulatory issues.
- Whole grains – You know this – avoid white breads, noodles, and grains. You can develop a taste for unrefined whole grain products. The problem is that the refining process removes important nutrients like B vitamins and iron.
For those interested in a more comprehensive meal plan, you may want to read Kathleen Flynn's new book Cooking for Fertility: Foods to Nourish Your Fertile Soul. Flynn explains, “For those experiencing infertility, specific meal plans address common Western and Chinese Medicine imbalances with healing foods. By optimizing your digestion, you naturally absorb more nutrients and prepare yourself for a healthy pregnancy.”
Try this tasty recipe from Flynn's cookbook:
Chocolate Mousse with Tofu and Avocado
Dark chocolate has numerous health benefits including its arginine content, which encourages blood flow to the uterus and ovaries. Tofu is a healthful alternative to whip cream and eggs and it preserves the creamy texture of this delicious mousse (along with the avocado). Using a low-glycemic sweetener is important to stabilize blood sugar levels, is important for energy levels, metabolism and balanced reproductive hormones.
Preparation time: 5 to 10 minutes
Serves 4 to 6
10 ounces dark chocolate, melted
1 package silken tofu
(optional: 1/2 an avocado)
2 to 4 tablespoons agave syrup
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 teaspoon vanilla extract
In a blender or food processor, puree tofu and optional avocado, with agave, vanilla and cinnamon until perfectly smooth. Add melted chocolate and mix until fully combined.
Pour mixture in a bowl, and let sit in the fridge for at least 4 hours.
Source: Cooking for Fertility : Foods to Nourish Your Fertile Soul and http://www.cookingforfertility.com/dvd /
Caffeine and Baby-making
Even if you did get it on sale, that caffeinated drink might be costing you more than you bargained for. Research indicates that caffeine use of more than a cup or two of coffee or soda a day might delay your odds of conceiving. If you're undergoing IVF, the news is worse - some research indicates that as little as 50 mg (the amount of caffeine in a cup of tea) might hurt your chances of success.
Does it Really Matter?
Several large research studies proved that women who consumed more than the equivalent of one cup of coffee per day were half as likely to become pregnant, per cycle, as women who drank less. The more a woman drank, the lower her chances for becoming pregnant. Other research shows that women aren't alone in needing to give up the cup of Joe in the mornings. Men who regularly consume caffeine have a more difficult time producing a pregnancy.
“We don't know if giving up caffeine will make a significant different in improving your chances of conceiving, but we do know that giving up caffeine isn't going to hurt you,” explains Dr. Tarun Jain of Chicago IVF. “If you've been trying to get pregnant for several months without success, and you've already given up alcohol and smoking, you may want to try limiting your total intake of caffeine from coffee, soda, chocolate and other sources. Plus, n ow is the perfect time to kick the habit because once you get pregnant, moderate to heavy caffeine use is associated with miscarriage as well.”
What's Your Caffeine Intake?
Caffeine-free soda and coffee often have small amount of caffeine? It isn't just soda and coffee that have caffeine, either. Chocolate, coffee-flavored yogurt or ice cream, even hot cocoa and some non-prescription medications are all sources of caffeine. Plus you may not know exactly how much caffeine you're getting. For coffee and tea, the brand, how it is prepared, the type of beans or leaves used, and the style of serving (espresso, latte and others) affect the amount of caffeine. Read labels on food, drinks and medicine to know how much caffeine you're getting.
How much is ok?
The March of Dimes recommends that women who are pregnant or trying to become pregnant consume no more than 200 milligrams (mg) of caffeine per day. This is the amount of caffeine in about one 12-ounce cup of coffee. Refer to the chart for a list of foods and drinks and the amount of caffeine they contain. The amounts listed are averages, so they may change depending on brand or how the food or drink is made.
Foods and Beverages | Milligrams of caffeine(avg) |
Coffee (8 oz) | |
Brewed, drip | 137 mg |
Instant | 76 mg |
Tea (8 oz) | |
Brewed | 48 mg |
Instant | 26-36 mg |
Beverages | |
Caffeinated soft drinks, such as cola (12 oz) | 37 mg |
Hot cocoa (12 oz) | 8-12 mg |
Chocolate milk (8 oz) | 5-8 mg |
Candy | |
Dark chocolate (1.45 oz bar) | 30 mg |
Milk chocolate (1.55 oz bar) | 11 mg |
Semi-sweet chocolate chips (1/4 cup) | 26-28 mg |
Chocolate syrup (1 tbsp) | 3 mg |
Coffee ice cream/frozen yogurt (1/2 cup) | 2 mg |
Source: U.S. Department of Agriculture, 2000
Natural Energy Boosters
Quitting cold turkey isn't fun, so if you're ready to hang up your habit, you're better off slowly cutting down. Abruptly cutting caffeine out can lead to headaches, irritability and sleep problems. If you are weaning yourself from caffeine, but find your energy levels are dragging, here are some tips to get you pumped up:
- Move! Just 10-15 minutes of activity can rev your engine.
- Breathe deeply
- Stretch gently to re-energize
- Snack right - that means no Diet Coke with a candy bar. Besides the caffeine, the sugar rush will leave you comatose in half an hour. Instead, try a protein and veggie combo like a cheese stick and carrots, or a Greek salad with olives.
Get Your Mojo Back: The rules you need now for baby-making sex
“The first few months of trying to get pregnant were fun,” explained Brooke, a 30 year old Hammond, IN native. “We planned romantic dates, lit candles, and had great pillow talk afterwards. It was this perfect, beautiful way to grow our family – out of joy and lovemaking.”
“After about six months it changed. One day I called him at work and told him to come home right this minute because I was ovulating. Not surprisingly, it was a less than successful endeavor. He said he felt like a sperm donor and I just wanted to get sex over with. I couldn't believe so much had changed in such a short time.”
Brooke isn't alone. Many couples' sex lives take a nose dive when the calendar and an ovulation predictor kit (and a doctor) start dictating when and even how sex happens. Chicago IVF's Dr. Tarun Jain explains, “In one clinical study of 600 couples undergoing infertility treatment, researchers found that both anxiety and stress over sex were fairly common problems. Take time to focus on each other and your relationship – with professional help if necessary. That way, when baby does arrive, you can focus entirely on welcoming the new addition, and not on fixing a stressed partnership.”
Not to worry – it is possible to get out of the baby-making sex rut and remember why it is you wanted to grow your family in the first place.
Shake things up
Can you close your eyes and predict exactly what happens next in your lovemaking routine? If your foreplay follows the same old pattern every time, then you need to shake things up a bit. Don't worry – you don't necessarily need a pair of handcuffs or be as limber as a yoga instructor for a new thrill. It could be some new toys or even a different location can add some spice. Maybe you don't want to make your baby in the back seat of your car, but a little lovin' in an unusual place might remind you of those days when you couldn't keep your hands off each other.
Go back to school
Just because you know how to have sex doesn't mean you can't learn more. Just imagine what a few new tricks up your sleeve might lead to.
- Learn a massage technique and treat your partner with a luxurious back rub with some exotic oils can help you both get in the mood. Remember to keep oils off of baby-making parts!
- Take a belly dancing or even pole dancing class to bring out the sexier side of you. The better you feel about your body, the more fun you can have.
- Pick up an instructional book or video for some new ways to please your partner. Even most issues of Cosmopolitan magazine offers some flavors of the month to try. You might be surprised at what you don't know.
Get Ready
Most women feel more sensual when they pamper themselves. When you spend time preparing yourself emotionally and physically for lovemaking, you are more likely to have fun.
- Daydream about some of the hottest moments you've had together.
- Get a mani and/or pedi to feel deliciously pampered.
- Buy some new perfumed soaps and lotions for a luxurious soak.
- Pull out a nighty that's a little naughty – no oversized tee-shirts.
- Send a little love note in his short pocket or in a text, reminding him of how you can't wait to get your hands on him.
Manage Expectations
You might not see fireworks and the earth may not move with your baby making sex. But, with some time and attention, you can recapture that old flame and make your baby making a lot more enjoyable for both of you.
When Jealousy Strikes
Recently that topic we're not supposed to mention reared its ugly head during our monthly Infertility Support Group.
“I've been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for years and a coworker of mine who's not even married is having a baby. Why should she have one before me? Is it wrong to feel jealous?”
Jealousy. We're not supposed to admit to feeling it. It's not “nice.” But the truth is, everyone feels jealous, and when you're having problems conceiving, that jealousy can strike every time someone you know has good news to share about the patter of tiny feet.
When I was a graduate student, studying infertility and learning of my own reproductive problems, within the space of a few months, my sister, four good friends and a coworker all became pregnant. While I was happy for them, it also felt as if everywhere I turned, I was being reminded. Baby showers. Baby talk. Ever growing bellies. Even though I was not seeking to get pregnant at that particular time, it still was difficult, and I remember collapsing into my fiancé's arms one evening after visiting friends, telling him, “I can't give you that. Find someone who can.”
Now, seven years later, I have a beautiful niece, plus a goddaughter and several other wonderful children that we see regularly. The jealousy has long gone.
How do we deal with jealousy though? When every one around us is talking babies, how do we cope?
First of all, don't feel guilty about feeling jealous. Then you've started a whole cycle of feeling bad and before you know it, you're beating yourself up emotionally and feeling ten times worse. It's natural to feel jealous. It doesn't mean you wish the pregnant woman ill. It just means you're mourning for yourself and wishing you had something you don't right now, which brings me to my next point….
Allow yourself time to mourn, because like it or not, that's what most of us are doing in this case. We're mourning the absence of our own pregnancy, and that is something few people can truly understand unless they've been there. Don't feel compelled to participate in every baby ritual if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Better to skip the baby shower and do something for yourself than go, feel miserable, and make the mom-to-be feel uncomfortable too. When I was going through the local baby boom, several of my friends knew about my own health problems and so there were times when I could just say, “You know, I don't feel like I can do the baby shower today. Why don't we do coffee together one day next week?”
Although jealousy itself is natural and even to be expected in these cases, when I do see it becoming a problem is when we use it to make judgments against the woman who is pregnant. “She's not even married.” “I'd make a much better mom that she will be.” “She can't afford a baby the way I could.” “She already has five kids.” Now you're looking for ways to attack the character of the other woman, and that's not ok. Anger is a natural part of the infertility process. Unfortunately, we end up not knowing where to direct that anger – we blame ourselves for being unable to do what everyone else seemingly does so easily; we blame those around us, and we can direct a lot of anger at those who succeed in getting pregnant. No matter how much we try to justify that to ourselves, (“She has too many kids already.” “She's getting divorced.”) the rational side of us knows that that's not fair, and that directing anger and jealousy towards them won't make us get pregnant any sooner.
So to sum up, what do we do when the green-eyed monster comes knocking at our door? Accept it. It's ok, as long as we use it productively. Use it to take time for yourself, use it as a chance to think about where you are in your pursuit of pregnancy. Just don't let it eat away at and destroy yourself, and your relationships with those around you.
© Fiona Young-Brown, 2007
